Posts tagged with “food”

Meat

Not that kind of meat. Get you mind out of the gutter.

I’m talking about meat that you’d buy in a grocery store in the frozen food department. Shrink wrapped, bloody, injected with CO₂ and priced by the pound. That kind of meat.

What about it? Well, I was reading an email that Yelp sent out regarding foods that aren’t exactly popular in the US. Like coagulated blood balls and cooked duck embryo. That kind of stuff. One of the items mentioned was kangaroo burgers. Which got me thinking…

Kangaroos are cute, right? Sure they are!

So could I eat one? Probably. I’ve eaten venison (deer meat, for those of you that don’t get out much) and it’s pretty good. Kangaroo seems a bit exotic…the word itself brings about the idea of sweet-and-sour sauces, tangy fruit, etc. On the flip side, it’s Australia, and Australian foods are very hearty in nature (not very Asian-y). So I suppose I would definitely eat Kangaroo.

Now if my mom were here, she would be the one to say, “Awwwww…how could you eat such a cute little thing? Moreover, how could you kill such a cute thing?” Well, first off, click on that picture I linked to earlier and cover up the face. You’re left with a ball of smelly, dingy, unkempt fur and nasty flesh. Could I shoot one? I don’t know…I’ve never shot a “real” gun. Could I do it if I knew how (as in “had aimed and shot a gun properly before”)? Yeah, sure. Would I be a little sad when I did it? Maybe the first couple times. Have you ever seen the movie Kangaroo Jack? That kangaroo was an ass. I doubt I’d be sad about it.

Then there comes the whole “you don’t want to know how the sausage is made” deal. Would I be able to convert a.) dead kangaroo into b.) delicious kangaroo sandwich? Sure, that one’s a given. I could probably do it on the first show without any help, either. How, you might ask? Funny story there…

So back in the ninth grade, I had a biology teacher who was an avid hunter. So much so that he made videos of his hunting escapades. Hardcore videos. And he’d show them to us in class. Hardcore-like. I sat next to a girl who was a year older than me, her name was Jill Baun. The last time I heard from her, she was deployed in Iraq (I think). She kind of reminded me of Anna Torv (the actor that plays Agent Dunham in Fringe). Anyhow, we both sat in the front row (alphabetical order, yes?) and suffered through multiple iterations of videos of my bio teacher showing the proper methods for gutting a deer. All the little tips and tricks, you know? How to extract the meat from the various muscle groups, how to remove the anus without contaminating the meat, etc. etc. It was an experience. We must have watched those videos twenty times. Especially towards the end of the year after we’d finished the book and had nothing left to do. Then it was deer-gutting time.

So do I know “how to make the sausage?” I sure do. No, not that sausage you freakin perv. It’s an expres…oh never mind.

Bacon

And I’ve apparently won a free can of bacon! Hooray!

For the record, if I understand correctly, this is legit. Just puttin that out there. Legit bacon. In a can.

Breakfast

Lately, I seem to be breakfast’s biggest proponent. A day without breakfast is like a day without a brain. In my eyes, a lack of breakfast leads to a distinct lack of cognition later in the day.

So this morning (actually afternoon…booooo), I got cheesy eggs with a bagel and tater tots. I was thrilled. The bagel was an “everything” bagel (the last one). I was so happy.

As I reached my table to eat, it dawned on me to do something completely unheard of: put my eggs on my bagel! I immediately smushed a large helping of eggs into my bagel and began to devour it like a rabid dog that’s been without food for a few days.

Needless to say, I was absolutely delighted. Until I realized that fast food restaurants have been peddling this very idea for decades. Then I was kind of bummed out because I’ve been casually avoiding fast food for about the last two and a half years. So much for that.

Dear DeSales Dining,

I’ve noticed that there seems to be a decent amount of cilantro used in the food this year. Now I don’t consider myself a particularly picky eater or anything (and I generally love DeSales food), but cilantro must be the most disgusting, revolting substance on the planet. Yesterday, I almost landed myself some Thai noodles in the back of my sinuses due to cilantro. I hear disliking it is genetic.

If at all possible, could the cilantro be removed from the menu? Or at least could there be some kind of warning? The stuff honestly tastes like dish detergent.

Best regards,
Matt Basta

Another Dream

I had another dream last night. This time, I was working at McDonalds. I was working the drive through window, but I was also taking orders. Everything was backed up…a huge line of cars wrapped around the building. I hadn’t gotten any training on how to do the job, so I was pretty much just winging it. I remember taking an order and not writing anything down, then going to get the order filled, only to not remember anything other than the drinks. And they were out of the drinks that were ordered, so we gave them bottled soda instead. Then, I couldn’t hear the customer, so I was hanging out the window, and there were all these buttons. I remember breaking the hinge on the window. It was horrible.

I remember that my buddy Mike was working, but he was very busy doing something else. A girl from school (whose name I shall not mention) was also working, so I asked her to give me a hand and show me how its done. Right as she climbed up to the window (it was up a set of steps), a van blew up outside.

Then my friends were piling me into a car to drive to the movies. I wanted to see what caused a car to blow up. Looking into the parking lot, there was a HUGE fire truck. It was blowing its horn. Then, the exhaust pipes on it pointed upward and fireballs shot out of them into the air. The fire truck then proceeded to shoot fireballs at surrounding cars, destroying most of the line at the drive through.

And then I woke up.